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[Dec. 26th, 2009|12:37 am] |
It's a bit past midnight and Christmas is over.
I'm drinking a bottle of Budweiser at a joint called Paddy's, hanging out with Stric. This bar is right up the road from Hixson High ... we used to drive by this place every day and say we'd check it out when we were old enough.
But we never did. We had scattered to the four winds by the time 21 rolled around.
An hour ago, Stric and I were driving around the old stomping grounds, reminiscing about the Old Days. We were about to pass this bar, and I said we should stop for a beer...
Now we are listening to some bluesy rock while a hammered redneck woman at the end of the bar is screaming at her friends to give back her fucking keys ya goddamn assholes.
Merry Christmas, kids. |
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| oh my god |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|08:33 am] |
its not everyday i get to say that my day was full of adventure, intrigue, and all that good shit. but yesterday/this morning was. for sure. i'll write more about it later, but long story short: sylva to hickory to boone to raleigh and back again. why all that driving? two reasons: the first is eh and the second is, "it has powerful euphorigenic properties which some rank as the highest amongst narcotics, many placing it above morphine, heroin, hydromorphone, and dextromoramide." why yes, oxymorphone. 30mg of it. if i snorted all that at once it would probably kill me. if you (non opiate-user) snorted a third of it, it'd probably kill you. now i'm going to go snort like a quarter of it. ta-ta. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|12:02 am] |
| [ | music |
| | broken windows, locks of love | ] |
i'm going to call my father tomorrow and drop the news. sorry dad, i failed all my classes. my boss told me i was too depressed and that i wouldn't be back on the schedule until after christmas. i'm on and off of all kinds of drugs, legitimate and otherwise. how are you?
part of me wants to go down to florida and make it a fucking mission to enjoy myself and forget about everything for a few days. i feel confident i could. god how wonderful that would be. to see some friendly faces and familiar places. we'll see.
we'll see. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|10:43 pm] |
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i want to go home but have nowhere left to go. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|11:03 pm] |
everyone goes through shit like this. at some point or another. not to minimize it- 7 years is a really long fucking time- but whereas other people mourn and then move on, i seem to be stuck. i had my future with her all mapped out. i had direction. i knew what i was going to do and where i was going. and now? well, you know. it's a fucking joke, now.
i don't think there is one single solution to my problems, but there are things that would help. i think dating, and perhaps finding someone special, is one of those things. the only problem with that is living in a very small town and having extremely specific preferences. is it too much to ask that a girl be intelligent, sweet, and attractive? hell, i could even deal without the sweet. and i'm kind of tired of putting myself down. it just always comes down to me not wanting to believe something if it's not true; i.e. being attractive or whatever. but maybe i am. and i know i have at least above-average intelligence. and goddamnit, i do have charisma. i've been told i do, by all kinds of people. it's fucking retarded for me to keep feeling shitty about myself...some people have extremely legitimate reasons to feel unattractive, retarded, and socially awkward. i fucking don't.
also, i think figuring out exactly what i want to do with this life i've been given is an important step. but that's overwhelming. i think a good start would be picking a field of study and just sticking with it.
so, who knows. maybe i can start feeling good about myself. maybe some girls aren't out of my league. maybe they'd be fucking fortunate to even know me. i doubt this feeling will last, but i hope it does. and the opiates i'm on might have something to do with it. |
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| this is all a dream; a dream in death. |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|08:06 pm] |
how can i explain? it's so hard to get on.
so, i sit here. having failed all of my classes and being forced to take a leave-of-absence from work, i sit here. and each day goes by, and it's one day closer to christmas. and i think: do i want to go down there? yes. i want to see my friends. i miss them terribly. i want to see my father, i miss him terribly. but being in that city again...i can imagine it hurting the same way it hurts to hear certain songs. for the past six years, my holidays have been spent with various people; her family, my family, my friends and their families...but this will be the first without her. maybe i'll just go and make the best of it. maybe i'll stay here.
if i make it into the new year in one piece, it'll be a christmas miracle. happy fucking birthday, jesus- please help me.
now would probably be a good time to distance yourself from me. |
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| "Ginny, Livingsocial Books wants to know your favorite books about wine." Facebook is onto me. |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|11:34 pm] |
I've been in Gainesville for a month and a half. I do not have a job. I am, by most definitions, a "deadbeat." I am faintly productive, however, and cook/bake delicious food and clean my house. I am avoiding writing my personal statement for my top choice school tonight, so I am on livejournal instead. (I have read through 44 pages of textsfromlastnight and swear, if I read one more joke about fat chicks/STDs, I'm going to gag.)
So. . .. what's up, life?
I am reading a lot again though I've been sad to find that policy books are less-than-thrilling right now. (What? I was BORN for policy and now. . . . I'm bored.) My Dad would say that I'm being a typical Gemini. I am beginning to believe that I will be excited about doing anything so long as it isn't required in any way. Once it becomes mandatory, I will no longer like it, no matter how interesting it seemed at the beginning.
I'm journaling fairly regularly now in the deadtree journal. I have determined that the internet is a collective cry for attention from the 13-year old with low self-esteem in all of us. It makes it less attractive to do ANYTHING online that relates to my personal life, so most things are going to paper rather than pixel. I still update facebook. I haven't decided if this is a habit that needs immediate breaking. My relationship to the internet is, however, changing.
I would write about other things but I'm terrified that the gods of hubris will smite me if I report anything that sounds like good news. So I'll shut up. Just know that I'm grateful. |
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